Skip to Main Content

Module 2 - Delivering bad news

One of the most difficult things we are called upon to do in our jobs and personal is deliver bad news. It is very useful to be able to do this whilst minimising confrontation and reducing the pain for the person we are speaking to.

It’s important to remember that there is no technique which will make someone happy about being given bad news. But there are approaches which make the situation worse:

• Do not try to tell a person it isn't as bad as they think - In this moment it is exactly as bad ad they feel it is, even if we don’t think it shouldn’t be all that bad or that they are failing to see ‘the upside’. Perhaps later they will feel calmer and it won't seem to be so bad. But you can't make them calm down; you can only do things that help them to calm themselves down as quickly as they are able to.
  
  “Don't feel bad about losing your house, the bed and breakfasts around here are lovely, and really your house isn't that nice anyway the paintwork is all peeling and it's kind of horrid looking.”

• Don't be evasive about details, or try to cushion the blow - This may be done out of a misguided sense of trying to stop them feeling bad - but it doesn't change the real situation. All it does is distorts the communication of the information they need and prevents them from understanding what is happening and what they have to deal with.
  
  “You aren't really losing your house. Not really. The house will still be here. You can stay in it for a few days. It's not going anywhere, and maybe you'll get it back again soon. Maybe they'll change their mind and you won't have to leave after all.”

 

• Don't tell them you know how they feel - We want to empathise, we want to show we understand and that we've been in similar situations. But saying “I know how you feel” is often a huge mistake, may be considered very offensive, and can completely break rapport. The fact is you don't know how they feel. You're just guessing, and you may be completely misjudging the situation: you don't know all of the facts of their life and background, you don't know their story or what this event may represent to them.
  
  “I know just how you feel. My old landlord only gave me a months notice to find a new place. And I didn't get all my deposit back.”

 

• Don't tell them how to feel, or deny them their pain - Allow them to feel any way they feel - even if it makes no sense to you. When receiving bad news a person may seem angry, or sad, despairing or negative, even relieved or grateful. But that's their journey and their experience - let them feel what they feel, and don't tell them they should feel differently. There's no should when it comes to emotions.
  
  "Don't be upset. There's no reason to feel sad about this. You're fine really."

Video - Let’s watch another video of the couple we met earlier. What went wrong when she tried to tell him about the bad news?

The things to do

We may be called upon as part of our job to deal with situations that are uncomfortable, or which provoke anger, but we should be clear that we do this in our professional role, not as our normal everyday selves. The person in front of us may get very angry with us, but it's not really us they are angry with. It's the role we are playing in their lives at that moment that makes them angry. It has nothing to do with the 'real' us - the us that loves our partners, and that is a good friend. They are angry or upset with the role we are playing, the job we are doing, not us.

Accept in advance that this is going to be difficult for the person you are speaking to. Prepare yourself for the fact that the conversation may be difficult for you also. Make sure you are clear in your own mind about exactly what information you need to convey, and what resources you can offer the person to help them deal with what is to come.

The best thing you can do for a person that you are giving bad news to is to be direct and clear (so that they fully and completely understand the situation they are in) and then give them the room to feel what they feel, express what they need to express, then help them to calm down when they are ready to do so. Listen to their response and accept what they are feeling and what they are expressing as real, let them talk and show that you care about what they are saying. Don't torture yourself for having upset someone - you delivered the news, you did not create the situation that upset them.

• Prepare yourself in advance - know exactly what you have to say.
• Be clear.
• Be direct.
• Give them space to feel what they feel.
• Help them to calm down by listening to them and by being with them.
• When they are calm inform them of any resources that may help them deal with their current situation.
• Don’t make yourself suffer if it’s not your fault - you’re only the messenger, you didn’t create the situation.

Video - Now let’s watch a second attempt at the conversation.

What did she do to make the situation easier this time?

Remember

These conversations are never easy. It is natural and human to feel uncomfortable when the news you are delivering upsets another person. It is natural and human to feel upset if someone is very angry with you or very critical of what you say and do. But there are ways of approaching these interacts that make them easier than they would otherwise be, and mean you carry away less of the hurt and the stress. And if you continue to feel upset about it - find someone to talk to about it who will listen to you, and give you the attention that you give to others.

Last Updated on Thursday, 23 June 2011 09:11