Module 3 - Challenging without confrontation
Challenging without confrontation
Rather than directly contradicting an opinion you disagree with, it may sometimes be useful to sidestep the argument. You can think of this as being ‘conversational judo’ - don’t challenge an opponent head on, but side-step and let your opponent beat themselves. The basic principle is to listen carefully to what someone says. When they use a ‘distortion’ - something that’s not exactly true - in conversation, you can ask them to clarify it and use this to open up a discussion.
Video - Let’s watch the couple from earlier have another conversation.
What went wrong?
Clarifying distortions in communication
he words we use can distort what we think. We all have a tendency to exaggerate, or to talk in very general terms (‘Nothing ever goes right for me!’) even though this isn’t factually true.
However, if someone directly confronts us we will argue to defend our position – although what we’ve said isn’t factually true, it feels emotionally true, so we’ll defend it. If we notice when someone is using distortions in conversation, we can ‘open them up’ in a non-confrontational way, help them clarify their needs and problems and have a much more useful conversation.
Simple distortions...
- Listen for use of words like “all”, “always”, “everything”
- Challenge by asking for a counter-example
- “Everything is going wrong”
- “Really? Is there something that isn’t going wrong at the moment?
- Main heading for page: Module 3: Challenging Without Confrontation
Mind reading
- Listen for things the person can’t know for sure, like “They intended to hurt me”
- Challenge by asking how they know
- “He’s just deliberately trying to wind me up”
- “Is he? How do you know he’s deliberately trying to wind you up?”
Video - Let’s watch another attempt at the conversation.
What did he do better this time?
Clarifying distortions often moves someone from a “no compromise” position where debate is impossible, to a point where they can see the possibility of change.
Be careful though, as pointing out distortions all the time can make you really annoying!
See page xxx for more examples of distortions and some exercises to try later.
Bringing it all together
Task - Dealing with residents’ views
Think back to the video earlier about dealing with residents’ views. How would you challenge some of the views in the video without confrontation?
Task - Your difficult conversations
Look back at your notes about difficult conversations you have at work. What have you learned today that could make these conversations easier in the future?
Task - Action plan
Write down three things you will do differently as a result of attending today’s session.
Last Updated on Thursday, 23 June 2011 09:14