Ten things to remember
1) The most important thing about being able to communicate effectively with someone is that they trust you.
2) We are not restricted to one style of communicating - all of us are capable of taking on different communication roles.
3) Active listening, by paying attention and reflecting back what the speaker has said, makes people feel that they are truly being heard.
- Listen carefully to what is being said
- When there is a pause in the conversation, summarise what you’ve heard in
your own words, and repeat it back - Don’t give advice, opinions, or share your own experiences – simply
summarise - Check that the speaker agrees with your summary
- Don’t become involved – let them speak and let them know they’ve been
heard
4) Feeling positive towards someone and being aware of their language and body language will help you establish a good relationship with them.
- Think and act as if you like someone and they are more likely to respond positively to you – fake it until you make it!
- Remember to look for body language – reading it is easier than you think!
- Mirroring someone’s body language may help them feel at ease – but don’t overdo it
- Reflecting the way a person speaks – particularly in terms of metaphors - builds rapport
5) Don’t pretend that bad news is good news - acknowledge that someone’s upset, listen to them and only then respond to their concerns.
6) People sometimes say things that they don’t exactly mean. Challenging distortions can defuse a situation and make it easier for you to help people.
- Listen for distortions, particularly words like ‘every’, ‘always’, ‘nothing’
- Don’t argue with the general point
- Challenge gently by asking for clarification or a counter example
- Work with the new perception of the situation which should be more open than the distorted one
7) It’s harder for you to help others without managing your own state of mind and staying positive. Controlling your breathing and noticing what makes you angry or upset can help.
- Start in a good state of mind – think of something positive
- Notice how your mood changes and act to control it if you feel yourself loosing your cool
- Keep control of your breathing – breath deeply and slowly
- Don’t lose yourself in your own mind and fears – keep looking at the world around you
8) Being assertive is the best way to get things done - explaining what you think should happen without shouting or bullying, but also without giving up too easily. Assertiveness is the best way to stand up for your rights and the rights of others.
- Always remain polite - say please and thank you
- Remain in control of emotions - don’t lose your temper
- Be clear about what you are trying to achieve - take the time to clarify in your own mind exactly what you are attempting to do
- Clearly and openly expressing your intention.
- Don’t justify - just state your intention without resorting to lengthy explanations
9) Sometimes the issue that someone raises isn’t what’s really making them angry. By asking them the right questions and making them explain what they really care about, you can uncover the real issues and have a more genuine and helpful conversation.
Ask what matters
“What’s important about X to you?”
Listen to the response
Go one level deeper
“And what’s important about Y to you?”
Reflect back
“What I feel is important is that we...”
10) Perceptions of reality are as important as reality itself. If someone starts to believe a misconceptions or rumour emotionally, then you need to challenge it emotionally, not just factually, by listening and showing people that you understand how they feel.
Last Updated on Thursday, 13 January 2011 10:25
